Little Adventure In The Shelter In Place Zone: Following The Path Of Most Resistance

“Resistance by definition is self-sabotage.” 
― Steven Pressfield,  The War of Art.

I’m betting that after a 30-minute workout using resistance bands Steve formulated the above quote.

Resistance bands are elastic tubing in a series of different tensions in eye-catching, upbeat colors. The band’s resistance builds muscles, or so 223,786 sites claimed after I Googled “resistance bands build muscle”. (I figured it MUST to be true since I read it on the Internet!) When my gym closed due to Shelter In Place orders, I purchased a set for exercise at home. 

It’s been an adventure!

Resistance Bands Are Unisex

After Amazon delivered the bands to my front stoop, I donned mask and gloves. Wielding the designated Covid-19 long handled tongs I plucked the package from the porch and tossed it in the garage for their five-day quarantine. Then I burned my clothes, melted down the tongs, and entered the decontamination shower. 

Isolating a radioactive Cujo would have been easier. 

Once I opened the package, a muscle man bulged from the instruction’s cover. Apparently, I had ordered the male resistance bands. Since I couldn’t return them, I thought Mike would like them. I explained to Mike that he, too, would look like the cover model if he followed the resistance band exercise instructions. He explained he was happy with his own exercise routine and I could use the unisex bands. I left before he downloaded Victoria Secret models for my exercise goal.

Resistance Band Instruction Cards 

To lend structure to my resistance training, I purchased a set of exercise cards. The front side displayed an illustration of the exercise with a written explanation on the reverse. I divided the 50 cards into muscle groups so that I could train daily. 

I thought this would offset my nightly wine drinking training. 

A few snags occurred.

Door Anchor Snag

Several of the exercises required that the bands anchor at various heights. An anchor, fitted between the door and its jamb, held the band in place. I tried it from inside the bedroom. Tested it. The door kept opening. I feared the band would give way and knock out my front teeth. 

Next I tried it with the door locked. Tested it. It still gave way. 

Then I tried it from outside the door. It worked perfectly . . . until I tried to get back in the bedroom. I had locked myself out. It took ten minutes and a straightened paperclip before I got back in. 

I didn’t find it nearly as amusing as Mike.

The “Not Going To Happen” Snags

This exercise required the band to stretch across the shoulders. Upon pushing up, the band produced tension making the push up HARDER to do. GRAVITY made the push up hard enough to do. 

I ditched the band and resorted to the “girl” pushup.

On to sit-ups!

I couldn’t budge off the floor. I tried a regular sit-up without the band and legs extended. It didn’t happen. Then I remembered in high school someone would sit on my feet while I had my knees bent and THEN I could sit all the way up. I wedged my feet under the bedframe and was able to do two. 

On to the next card!

Contortionists may find success with this exercise. There was no way my body moved this way!

Time to try one more!

I successfully executed this one. 

At least that’s what I had thought.

That evening, I felt a localized pain in my calf and fell into the Covid-19 psychosomatic symptom panic mode. After Googling “calf pain” I feared I developed a blood clot. I instructed Mike that if I woke in the middle of the night with lung pain (because clots can travel) that he should inform the emergency room doctors to the situation thereby saving precious time.

After calmly listening, Mike pointed out that we had sheltered in place for weeks and most likely my new exercise routine caused the pain not the virus. He was 99.9% sure I didn’t have a blood clot.

I resumed my nightly wine training and finished my Malbec.