humor

Bed, Bath, & Beyond Reason

I fanned my sheaf of Bed, Bath, & Beyond coupons confident that my Christmas shopping list would minimize like Safari windows during my Cyber Monday shopping hunt.

“USE THIS COUPON IN-STORE OR ONLINE!” shouted the ad that haunted my mailbox monthly.

“Online,” I retorted and Googled away.

“17 Top Holiday Gifts”, “Gifts by Theme”, “Buy Fun Christmas Gifts” three of the “About 24,200,000 results listed in 0.61 seconds” that offered to escort me through my holiday purchase decisions.

Two hours of investigating procured more questions than answers. The biggest question being:

WHY DOES ANY REASONABLE PERSON NEED THIS STUFF?

Sphere Ice Molds

Ten bucks buys you two 2 ½ inch diameter rubber molds that hold 5 ounces of ice each. The description claims that it is “slow melting” so it won’t water down your cocktail.

I don’t know about you, but in a race against ice in my vodka tonic. I usually win!

Another claim is that round ice adds a “sophisticated and fun touch” to cocktail parties.

Want a sophisticated cocktail party? Don’t set up a beer pong table.

Want a fun cocktail party? Set up a beer pong table.

(Life’s paradoxes.)

Nix the ice spheres.

Stick with ice CUBES. They come with most freezers and are easier to chew.

 

Himalayan Salt lamp

Two to five sawbucks will fill your house with Himalayan negative ions via an orange glowing rock lamp.

Post 87 Hymalain Salt 1

I’m really not sure what negative ions are except that they have them in the Himalayas. Apparently several studies claimed healthful benefits from your house being crammed with negative ions. (I’m thinking that someone in the Himalayas funded the study, but I don’t know for sure. It’s a hunch.) The negative ions rid rooms of Volatile Organic Compounds, which are in everything from paint to printers and cause maladies from runny noses to liver damage.

While liver damage from VOC’s is no laughing matter, the Himalayan Salt Lamp claims to protect inner organs with the salt lamps ions are. Not enough of those electrically charged atoms produced to help.

Turns out what CAN help are houseplants!

Spider, snake, and peace plants through photosynthesis clean the air. While plants don’t emit an orange glow like the salt lamp (and if they do, I’d toss them out) they work better.

Ditch the salt lamp.

Go with a spider plant. If you want something cool that glows, plug in a lava lamp.

Smoking Box

It takes a couple of C-notes to add smoke flavor to your cocktails. According to the video, a smoking gun is aimed into a glass box and targeted cocktail rendering a drink that is smoky.

This is supposed to be a GOOD thing.

Smoking Gun 2

According to Charles Joly who is a famous mixologist we need one. First of all I don’t know who Charles Joly is. So how can he be so famous? A mixologist? That’s a REAL thing? Does putting “ologist” after a verb infuse more skill? (Will a jumpologist jump higher than a jumper? Can a driveologist drive more safely than a driver?)

Dump the Smoking Box.

If you want a cocktail that tastes and smells smoky, use a slice of beef jerky as a garnish. Then you’ll have something to nibble as well as sip.

Don’t buy any of the above.

Or, buy them all.

At least that way the ice sphere balls will keep the smoky cocktail cool while the salt lamp is dissipating the smoke filled room.

Lucky for me the Bed, Bath, & Beyond coupons don’t really expire.

 

 

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “Bed, Bath, & Beyond Reason”

  1. Christmas shopping, actually shopping of any kind, is not my bag. So, you will be shocked to hear that John’s gift was delivered yesterday and I actually went to the store a couple weeks ago and chose it myself. I even had John come down and try it out before purchasing it. The new recliner that moves electronically is sitting in its new home occupied by a big man drinking coffee and making comments about “getting used to how the new chair” feels, fits, looks”, etc. I personally don’t care if he likes it or not—I do! Take a page out of the “Big Book of Best Gifts Ever”. Buy your targeted gift recipients presents you would like to keep for yourself. That might be just what happens to them!

    Like

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