Gardening, humor, Outdoors

Not Being Hosed

“I can’t clean the gutters on the north side of the house because the hose doesn’t reach that far,” said Mike. He whittled his fall “To Do” list from a timber to a toothpick with gutter cleaning the remaining unchecked bullet point.

If hose length impeded completion of the fall gutter-cleaning task, I’d remedy that situation. Then our gutters would be leaf free and flowing.

The hunt was on, and it started at Home Depot. (I had a coupon!)

Narrowing The Field

A quick online search revealed 107 choices. It was like drinking from a fire hose. Seriously? There are over a hundred hose variations?

Seeking to narrow the garden candidates, I refined my search with criteria – reasonably priced and does not kink.

That halved the contenders.

The narrow expiration window of Mike’s “gutter cleaning enthusiasm” prompted me to purge selections footnoted with the phrase “Not In Stock. Order For Store Pick Up.” I wouldn’t risk clean gutters for a delivery delay.

Hose Questions

Down to about a score of varieties, I raised my baseline hose knowledge before purchasing by consulting Home Depot’s “Hose Buying Guidelines” and considering the options.

Vinyl or rubber or combination?

Nylon or rayon reinforcement?

25 or 50 or 75 or 100 feet length?

Brass or plastic fittings?

Heated or not heated?

Hose Questions formed.

Rubber is sturdier, but isn’t it heavier?

Longer would reach farther, but wouldn’t that be cumbersome?

Brass is more durable, but do I want to spend more?

Non-heated is my current hose type, but what if I want to form an ice hockey rink in my backyard this winter?

Rather than helping with my decision making the “Hose Questions” caused profuse sweating, slight anxiety, and confusion.


Hose Reviews

To sort through the questions, I consulted the “Hose Reviews”.

Consumers rate hoses with 1-5 stars.

Then the consumers’ ratings are rated by “Helpful”, “Unhelpful” or “Report inappropriate content.”

Pocket Hose

The first review I read was about a pocket hose. What the heck was a pocket hose, I asked myself? A hose so small it fits in a pocket? Yep, that was it and according to Joe’s review, that’s where it should stay.

“Do not buy this hose! It explodes. My wife INSISTED on buying three!”

I’m guessing that Joe’s wife hasn’t heard the last of THAT shopping trip and would rate his review as “Inappropriate Content.”


Hose Humor


Tom reviewed the Flexogen hose, rating it 5 stars. I’d give Tom’s sarcasm 5 stars.

This hose is the best!! I hooked it up to my faucet and when I turned on the water it started coming out the other end! What’s truly amazing is that if you turn your faucet down low, only a small amount of water comes out, then when you turn it on high, a bunch of water comes out the end. Oh!! And the word FLEXOGEN is very impressive. Buy this hose if you want to move water from point A to point B.”

 Twenty-three consumers did not share my appreciation of Tom’s humor and rated his comments “Unhelpful”.

Susie’s Disposable Hoses

 The question I have for Susie is what do you DO with the hoses? On the other hand, maybe I don’t want to know.

“Just what we (Susie and her companion hose users) needed. Will now be buying a whole lot more! We will be using these in our business. We will use them once and then throw them away. We were looking at something that offered quality at a reasonable price (since we will only use them once and then throw away). This hose has definitely met our needs.

Jeff’s Disappointment

Good Year lost a loyal customer with their new and improved hose model.

Do not buy this hose. I have four Good Year hoses that have lasted ten years and are still going. I ran over one with the lawn mower. Because of my good experience with the others, I bought another Good Year hose. I noticed the new plastic coupling and was skeptical of the “new formulation.” Unfortunately, my skepticism was well founded.

 Jeff illustrated a damaged “new formulation plastic coupling” as evidence. However, he ran over his own hose with a mower. I didn’t trust his judgment.

Kinky Ken

 Ken couldn’t have rated this hose any lower.

“About all it (the hose) does is kink up. It’s great if you need a hose that kinks up. If you are looking for one that works, purchase something else.


After reading the reviews and guidelines, I purchased a 50-foot, Scotts’ MaxFLEX with lay-flat technology for a reasonable price.


I also bought three orchids for the price of one. No research needed for THAT buy!









6 thoughts on “Not Being Hosed”

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