Lore, the ancient method of preserving knowledge through oral transfer from generation to generation, has its critics – and I’m one of them. Recently, an alert reader dispelled the popular belief of slothful spuds. Through careful observational research of local tubers, I’ve gathered empirical evidence to support the hypothesis “All taters are not lazy” put forth by an “A Few Choice Words” follower. My analysis of data gathered, supports this claim. The disparaging phrase “couch potato” will no longer be a mocking barb.
Emboldened by my recent unorthodox claim and subsequent evidence about tomato behavior (See post 56 “The Nonsense Chronicles: Spying On Tomatoes”) an empowered reader communicated her experiences with the south Texas sweet potato which tested the commonly held “couch potato tenet.”
The reader stumbled upon a pair of amorous Beauregards. Although not schooled in determining sweet potato gender, overt physical tuber features played a part in identifying the one on the left as male.
Shortly afterwards, the tryst yielded a crop of tots. The Beauregards proved to be doting, active parents.
Conclusion: Sweet potatoes are sweet (on each other). This affection for family causes them to forgo passive activities.
Remote Control Experiment Observation:
In the same vein as Dr. Konrad Lorenz’s imprinting experiment (where geese bonded with a moving object during a critical life period) I tested the bond of my Idahoes, russets, and news with the TV remote. After waving the mechanism over several dozen tubers, only one exhibited signs of a preferential relationship with the device.
Conclusion: Potato lethargy is not a trait prevalent in the general tuber population, but unique in individuals.
Mismatched Idahoes bickered over the demonstrated remote control behavior of the male. Upon criticizing his obsession of viewing M.A.S.H. reruns for hours, he dropped her like a hot potato. Although disheartened by the breakup, she hashed out a goal of becoming a professional singer and dancer. Her signature act featured a rousing rendition of Dee Dee Sharp’s 1962 hit “Mashed Potato Time.”
Conclusion: Dancing and singing produce endorphins apparent in the tater’s lighter mood. This positive reinforcement encourages a more active lifestyle.
A stimulating checker game provided not only startling insights, but also supportive observations of the proposed hypothesis. These small potatoes, who have an intense dislike of being underestimated, divided themselves into opposing teams and proceeded with a more challenging version of the classic game. Although all adaptations of the game were not apparent to me the necessity of agility and nimbleness required to “crown” the king was.
Conclusion: News, driven to combat the faulty “couch potato” image as well as disregard for their diminutive stature within the tater culture, are the most active of all tubers.
I offer my observations to the general public and scientific community in the hope of attaining additional data to support or negate the “All taters are not lazy” hypothesis.
Be assured of the accuracy of the above observations and conclusions. Besides, they have to be true. You read it on the Internet!