Review, edit, and revise. The tamable written word serves me well.
Stammer, blurt, and misspeak. The rowdy spoken word escapes my grasp.
Examples of conversations I never should have had:
Chat With A Stranger Who I Thought I Knew
Me: (Upon seeing a woman in the church parking lot) Hi! I haven’t seen you in years! (Step forward and give a friendly hug.) What have you been up to?
Strange Lady: Just the usual- seeing the grandkids.
Me: Still traveling?
Strange Lady: Yes, we just got back from Arizona.
Me: That must have been great! You probably have plenty of time since you’ve retired.
Strange Lady: (With confused expression) I’m not retired.
Me: (With confused expression) Did you get another job after leaving District 47?
Strange Lady: (With even more confused expression) I never worked for District 47.
Me: (With confused expression approaching an epiphany) You’re not Dorothy, are you?
Strange Lady: (With relieved expression) No, I’m not. I don’t know you, do I?
Me: (Sheepishly) You could be Dorothy’s twin. (Slinks away.)
Mike, my significant other, is a night owl whereas I’m more of an early bird. At first I tried to stay up with him. I couldn’t. Then I tried to hide my dozing. It’s resulted in a few interesting conversations.
Conversation After Dozing When I Should Have Been Watching “Defiance”:
Me: Daniel Craig’s one of my favorite actors. That was an exciting movie. (It took place during WWII. It was a safe bet. I had dozed on and off and missed several plot points.)
Mike: What did you think about the wolf scene?
Me: There was no wolf. (I thought this was a trick question. I’d have to admit I fell asleep if I commented on the scene at all. If he had said the Nazi scene, I would have answered with a general answer like . . . “Nazis make such good bad guys” since the odds of a likeable Nazi are nil.)
Mike: Did you sleep through it again? The woman had a wolf encounter.
Me: You made up the wolf.
Mike: No, I didn’t. You fell asleep.
Me: There really was a wolf? Are you sure it wasn’t a Nazi?
Mike: There were Nazis, but there was a wolf, too.
Footnote: I rewatched the movie and there were Nazis and a wolf.
Conversation After Dozing During A Bears Game That They Lost:
Mike: What are you doing?
Me: (Standing up after sleeping through the game.) I’m trying to think of something positive to say about the football game.
Mike: You didn’t see the game. You slept through it.
Me: (Realizing he was onto me.) I see that the Bears lost 25 to zip.
Mike: The score isn’t important. They played the second/third string to see who should be cut.
Me: I guess that’s what I could have said that was positive about the game.
Conversation With A Mumbler At A Funeral Wake:
Mumbler: I’m an art collector. (This is what I think he says.)
Me: That’s really interesting. It must be exciting!
Mumbler: There aren’t too many of us around. It’s ruined my life.
Me: (I’m thinking So give up art collecting, but instead I say) I’m sorry to hear that.
Mumbler: I’ve lost all my money and many jobs.
Me: (I’m thinking so he collects art as a really intense hobby. He really should give it up, but instead I say) So you don’t do it full time?
Mumbler: Oh, it’s full time. I can’t help it. My wife left me because of it.
Me: (I’m thinking well sure she did. If you don’t work, spend a fortune on art, and the house is filled with paintings and statues, she had reason to leave you, but instead I say) Maybe you should stop.
Mumbler: I can’t stop. I tried treatment. It didn’t help. I fall asleep all the time.
Me: Sleeping should cut back on all that collecting.
Mumbler: What collecting?
Me: Your art collecting. If you’re asleep, that’s less time to go to galleries, sales, and auctions.
Mumbler: I don’t collect art. I’m a narcolept!
I’m sure there will be other inane conversations in my future . . . unless I fake laryngitis and scribble notes instead.