Inane Conversations

Review, edit, and revise. The tamable written word serves me well.

Stammer, blurt, and misspeak. The rowdy spoken word escapes my grasp.

Examples of conversations I never should have had:

Chat With A Stranger Who I Thought I Knew

Me: (Upon seeing a woman in the church parking lot) Hi! I haven’t seen you in years! (Step forward and give a friendly hug.) What have you been up to?

Strange Lady: Just the usual- seeing the grandkids.

Me: Still traveling?

Strange Lady: Yes, we just got back from Arizona.

Me: That must have been great! You probably have plenty of time since you’ve retired.

Strange Lady: (With confused expression) I’m not retired.

Me: (With confused expression) Did you get another job after leaving District 47?

Strange Lady: (With even more confused expression) I never worked for District 47.

Me: (With confused expression approaching an epiphany) You’re not Dorothy, are you?

Strange Lady: (With relieved expression) No, I’m not. I don’t know you, do I?

Me: (Sheepishly) You could be Dorothy’s twin. (Slinks away.)

 

Mike, my significant other, is a night owl whereas I’m more of an early bird. At first I tried to stay up with him. I couldn’t. Then I tried to hide my dozing. It’s resulted in a few interesting conversations.

Conversation After Dozing When I Should Have Been Watching “Defiance”:

Me: Daniel Craig’s one of my favorite actors. That was an exciting movie. (It took place during WWII. It was a safe bet. I had dozed on and off and missed several plot points.)

Mike: What did you think about the wolf scene?

Me: There was no wolf. (I thought this was a trick question. I’d have to admit I fell asleep if I commented on the scene at all. If he had said the Nazi scene, I would have answered with a general answer like . . . “Nazis make such good bad guys” since the odds of a likeable Nazi are nil.)

Mike: Did you sleep through it again? The woman had a wolf encounter.

Me: You made up the wolf.

Mike: No, I didn’t. You fell asleep.

Me: There really was a wolf? Are you sure it wasn’t a Nazi?

Mike: There were Nazis, but there was a wolf, too.

Footnote: I rewatched the movie and there were Nazis and a wolf.

 

Conversation After Dozing During A Bears Game That They Lost:

 Mike: What are you doing?

Me: (Standing up after sleeping through the game.) I’m trying to think of something positive to say about the football game.

Mike: You didn’t see the game. You slept through it.

Me: (Realizing he was onto me.) I see that the Bears lost 25 to zip.

Mike: The score isn’t important. They played the second/third string to see who should be cut.

Me: I guess that’s what I could have said that was positive about the game.

 

Conversation With A Mumbler At A Funeral Wake:

 Mumbler: I’m an art collector. (This is what I think he says.)

Me: That’s really interesting. It must be exciting!

Mumbler: There aren’t too many of us around. It’s ruined my life.

Me: (I’m thinking So give up art collecting, but instead I say) I’m sorry to hear that.

Mumbler: I’ve lost all my money and many jobs.

Me: (I’m thinking so he collects art as a really intense hobby. He really should give it up, but instead I say) So you don’t do it full time?

 Mumbler: Oh, it’s full time. I can’t help it. My wife left me because of it.

Me: (I’m thinking well sure she did. If you don’t work, spend a fortune on art, and the house is filled with paintings and statues, she had reason to leave you, but instead I say) Maybe you should stop.

Mumbler: I can’t stop. I tried treatment. It didn’t help. I fall asleep all the time.

Me: Sleeping should cut back on all that collecting.

Mumbler: What collecting?

Me: Your art collecting. If you’re asleep, that’s less time to go to galleries, sales, and auctions.

Mumbler: I don’t collect art. I’m a narcolept!

 

I’m sure there will be other inane conversations in my future . . . unless I fake laryngitis and scribble notes instead.